Trying Not to Love You
by somebody's secret
Summary: Five years after leaving SVU and more importantly, Olivia Benson, Alex Cabot is on the fast track to becoming the District Attorney of Manhattan but a death threat brings her back to her former lover. Can they mend what broke between them so many years ago?


Everything looked different, from the front desk attendant that looked her over to make sure that she wasn't a victim to the sound of her heels clicking against the tile of the squad room floor. She glanced to the side as she walked away from the elevator, catching her reflection in the mirror.

Even _she_ looked different. Longer blonde hair now, a new badge that no longer read ADA, higher heels, even new attire. But the glasses were the same, the same black framed ones that Olivia Benson had once complimented her on. And her cold, stoic appearance was the same. That never changed the day she left SVU for the last time.

When she caught sight of the detective—no, sergeant now—she felt her breath catch in her throat, the same way it did so many years ago. She expected her to look up any minute from the clicking of her heels but maybe _that_ was different, too, because Olivia didn't even flinch.

She couldn't help but feel the tremble low in her stomach, the flutter beating against her ribcage, reminding her that she had no right to be here. But, here she was with a face of stone and an envelope in hand. Her fingers instinctively clutched tighter to the envelope, resisting the urge to pull it tight to her chest in an attempt to protect herself from the woman she was walking toward.

Nothing seemed to help, especially when Olivia leaned upright from her former crouched position over a desk of a man that she had never seen before in her life. A new detective, she assumed, before glancing around for a split second to confirm that Amaro wasn't around. As much as she liked the guy, she knew he had a taste for trouble that he couldn't quite ditch.

When she looked back, she froze, coming into contact with those warm brown eyes, the ones that were burned in her memory along with a blur of 5,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. She wanted to shrink away from her gaze, wished she could just disappear, but she was an adult. Hell, she was about to become the District Attorney of Manhattan—if only she could figure a few things out.

"Alex." The single word was a whisper, seemingly lost on Olivia's lips, but it was obviously said as the man sitting in front of her glanced up, raising his eyebrows and causing his forehead to wrinkle up in confusion as he looked her up and down.

 _Money._ She knew that would be his first thought, especially now that her black heels were higher, skirt tighter, blouse softer, and tan coat more luxurious than before. The only constant were her glasses, which seemed to provide her a sense of comfort as Olivia's eyes wandered down her body, that look of lust that once filled those brown eyes many years ago now gone. Instead, there was anger, hatred, confusion, and disgust.

She blinked twice before realizing she had stopped moving and she was now standing a good ten feet away from Olivia. Her eyes widened in an attempt to bring herself back to reality before she blinked back the hazy images of Olivia's exposed, tan body rolling across her bedsheets, laughing.

Long gone was that look of admiration and love in the brunette's tired features but Alex wasn't here to rekindle what burned out between them—what _she_ burned out between them single-handedly just because she had political aspirations.

With a deep breath, Alex finally pulled her eyes up to meet Olivia's. "Sergeant Benson, may I have a word with you in private," She demanded, rather than questioned, in the most confident voice she could muster at the moment.

Olivia seemed to stare at her for hours before nodding slowly, whispering "of course" with that same voice that once brought her to her knees. She cleared her throat before tipping her head to the side, gesturing to the door behind the detective's desk which had her name emblazoned on a plaque hung high on the door.

Olivia turned without so much as looking at Alex again, walking over to the door with that same authoritative swagger that used to make Alex's body light up like a fire. Now she just wished that she'd never have to see Olivia again.

When Olivia slipped into the room, no longer in sight, she finally started walking again toward the open door. She closed it softly behind her, lingering as she shut it as a tactic to stall. Once that temporary distraction was gone, she turned back to Olivia, the sergeant looking at her with an unreadable expression. "It's been awhile."

"It has," Alex confirmed, mustering up the courage to walk away from the door so that she was now standing in front of Olivia's desk. She took the chance to glance around the office, immediately recognizing the picture of Olivia in her dress blues when she was first promoted to detective. She looked behind the desk, catching sight of the newest picture of Olivia dressed up for her promotion to sergeant.

"Five years." Blue eyes flickered up, making contact with Olivia's once more. The brunette's tone was cold, almost harsh and it make her stomach tumble much like it was doing when she lingered in the cab outside of the precinct.

"You're a sergeant now," She replied, mentally cursing herself that she couldn't come up with anything smarter to say.

"And you're standing in my office. Let's skip the cliché 'hello' and get to the point. Why are you here, Alex?" Olivia questioned as she pulled out her chair, sitting down. Alex frowned, feeling the disapproval radiating off of the woman in front of her. Normally she'd think she was at an advantage, standing up in front of Olivia as she sat down, but instead she felt completely exposed, as if she were an underling standing in front of her superior, waiting to be punished.

She wasn't weak. She attempted to take another deep breath but it came out shallow and shaky so instead she went straight to the point and tossed the file on top of Olivia's desk. The envelope slid across the wood, causing another paper to flutter an inch before settling down on Olivia's desk once more.

"What is this?" Olivia questioned as she picked it up and turned it around once, as if she were trying to decipher the contents without opening it.

"Open it." The brunette looked her over for a few more seconds before pulling the metal tabs to the side and peeling the top away from the rest of the envelope. She glanced inside, seeing a few letter size pieces of paper along with quite a few photo-sized papers at the bottom. She reached in and plucked out the photos, leaning back in her chair as she looked at them.

She only managed to look at the first one before her eyes jerked up to Alex's. She studied her for a few seconds, eyebrows furrowing as she furiously tried to figure out what she was looking at. No, she knew just what she was looking at, what she didn't know was _why_ Alex was giving it to her now.

"This is from years ago," Olivia stated as she glanced back down at the image of her with her arm wrapped around Alex's shoulders, both smiling widely as dozens of ice skaters spun around on the ice behind them.

"Rockefeller," Alex confirmed, not moving an inch as Olivia looked her over once more.

"Alex, why—"

"Keep looking through them," She quickly interrupted as her heart beat faster against her chest. For a second she worried that it might beat right out of her chest and into Olivia's hands. Olivia glanced back down, picking the top picture up before sliding it behind the small stack of photos.

Eyebrows furrowed once more as she looked at a picture of the two of them walking toward her apartment. She quickly shifted that one behind the pile before examining the other one. Her eyes closed instinctively as she mentally pictured that moment in her head. She could still remember the feeling of Alex's body pinned between her body and her apartment door as she suckled at the blonde's neck, Alex laughing in an attempt to get her to open the door so they could move to a bed—actually a couch, if she could remember correctly.

She reluctantly opened up her eyes and shifted that photo to the back of the stack. Another photo of them appeared, this time at a restaurant where their fingers were intertwined, sitting on top of the white table cloth, almost hidden behind the small vase with a rose in it.

She immediately recognized the picture as one from the anniversary of their third year of dating and she knew that somewhere in her pocket was a diamond ring that she was way too nervous to pull out. Olivia felt her heart plummet at the thought, suddenly being reminded that the ring still sat untouched in the back of one of her dresser drawers.

She wondered momentarily if pulling it out at the restaurant would've made a difference in the outcome of their relationship. If only she didn't convince herself to wait until Christmas, only to have Alex break things off a week prior. But then again, Alex was Alex and her mind was probably made up months before.

With a deep sigh, Olivia closed her eyes. "Why, Alex? Why are you showing me all this now?" She didn't trust herself to open up her eyes and look into the blue ones that always held her heart.

"Read the letter."

With shaky hands, Olivia reached back into the envelope and pulled out the larger paper, her eyes quickly skimming over it once she realized it wasn't Alex's handwriting and it certainly wasn't a letter Alex wrote begging for her back.

Instead, she read through sentence after sentence of insults, threats, and sexual remarks. She felt her fist instinctively clenching tighter and tighter around the letter as the seconds ticked by. She felt her anger rise, her face heating up as she finished the letter before looking back up at Alex. "Who sent you this?"

Alex shook her head, laughing sarcastically as she finally regained her confidence. "Like you don't know," She answered as she pinned Olivia with her signature courtroom glare, a look that the brunette hadn't seen in half a decade. "Did you recognize those pictures of you kissing me in your apartment complex? What'd you do, ask for the video footage back then? And those pictures from Rockefeller and from our anniversary. Did you have someone follow us?"

Olivia's face contorted in confusion as she gawked at the blonde. "What the hell are you talking about?" She glanced down at the photos and letter. "You think _I_ did this?" Shock appeared immediately on her features as she stood from her desk abruptly, sending her rolling chair backwards and against the bookcase behind her. "You think I'd write something like this to you? Are you out of your mind?"

Alex felt her blood boil as she looked at Olivia. "We kept our relationship under wraps, Olivia! That picture of us holding hands was the only version of affection we _ever_ showed in public. You honestly expect me to believe that somebody else found out about our former relationship and decided to blackmail me with it and they just so conveniently knew to look through your apartment footage?"

"Alex, I had nothing to do with—"

"Bullshit!" She cried out, her face reddening as she stared the sergeant down. "I broke things off with you so that I could reach my political aspirations but now that I'm about to be elected DA you couldn't stand it, could you? So you send me this as a form a payback. Is that what it was? You just couldn't stand me being happy without you so you threaten to expose our relationship before the election?"

Olivia shook her head with disbelief as she tossed the paper onto her desk. "I can't believe you right now."

"You can't believe _me_ right now? I can't believe _you_! Of all the people that I've trusted, I never once thought it would be you who'd betray my trust and my _love_."

Olivia outright laughed as she shook her head. "I betrayed you? You're the one who broke up with me a week before Christmas. You're the one that left me alone with two tickets to the Caribbean and a week off of work which _you_ begged me to do. Instead of spending Christmas with the woman I loved in the Caribbean I spent it with a bottle of whiskey in a motel because I couldn't stand the thought of going back to _our_ apartment and seeing all your stuff gone. And I betrayed you?"

"I told you outright that New York wasn't ready to elect a lesbian District Attorney and that we had to keep our relationship under wraps. The letter _you_ wrote says exactly that!" Alex shouted as she walked over to Olivia's desk and grabbed the paper off of the desk before shoving it in her face. "Tell me that wasn't you!"

Olivia took a deep breath as she glanced down at the letter, knowing exactly what section Alex was talking about. "'New York will never elect a blonde dyke like you who gets tied up and fucked by a woman…' Do you honestly think I'd write this about you? Is that how little you think of me?

"I loved you Alex, so damn much, and yes, you broke my heart when you left me but all I have ever wanted was for you to be happy. Why do you think I left our apartment for you and found a new one for myself? Why do you think I left everything we owned for you? Why do you think I bought you a diamond ring five years ago?"

Alex felt as if her heart had plummeted into her stomach at Olivia's last question. A ring? Her breaths came out rapidly as she tried to wrap her head around what her former lover had just said. She was going to propose.

"So no, Alex, I didn't write this but I will help you find whoever did so they can be arrested for threatening you both physically and sexually as well as attempting to blackmail you," Olivia finished quietly as she pulled open one of her drawers and pulled out a latex glove. She used it to pick up the pictures and letter, carefully slipping them back into the envelope. "Everything needs to be fingerprinted."

Alex stayed quiet as she studied Olivia intently, trying to understand how she was so calm after just being accused of horrible things. She bit her lip in an attempt not to let her emotions get the best of her. She just had one question which came out as a low whisper, so quiet that she almost feared Olivia didn't hear her. "Why?"

The brunette's hand stopped mid motion, the tip of a photograph inside the envelope while the rest of it was waiting to be dropped in. "Because I still love you, Lex, and I want you to be happy. So if becoming DA will make you happy then I will do everything in my power to make sure that you can have what you've always wanted."

Alex didn't know what to say as she stood there, rooted to the ground in front of Olivia. She wanted to cry. She wanted to throw her arms around Olivia and kiss her like they used to. She wanted to feel Olivia's slightly calloused fingers from work brushing up against her bare skin. She felt so much at one time that she didn't know what to do.

So instead she ran.

Without saying a word, she turned quickly and threw open the door before running toward the elevator as fast as her high heels would let her. She could feel all eyes on her and she could hear the whispers already starting but she ignored them all as she smacked her palm against the down button on the elevator over and over, even after the door chimed and began to open.

She quickly stepped into the elevator and began her assault on the down button. It was only when the doors were about to close that she looked up, locking eyes with the woman she loved before the metal doors slid shut.

* * *

Olivia sat at her desk, staring down at the envelope that Alex had left with her two days prior. She had already brought it to CSU who swiped for fingerprints while Carisi attempted to figure out what post office it was given to. He was currently at one, attempting to extract information that he probably wouldn't get.

Seeing Alex had brought up so many emotions for her that she hadn't felt in so long. While she always loved her, even through the last five lonely years, she found a way to cope with her lost love. She glanced up from the file, her eyes landing on the picture frame that was newer to her desk.

She smiled faintly as she thought of Noah, her now-son that held her heart—or at least what Alex had left of it. She wouldn't lie and say that Alex had no hold over her emotions any more. A piece of her heart still belonged to the blonde and she figured it would always stay that way. But sometimes Noah was enough for her, playing with him or holding him close, even though at times, she wished that Alex was there with her.

The ringing of her phone pulled her focus away from the photo. "Benson," She stated, hoping that the sadness in her voice wouldn't transfer to the other end. She listened for a moment, before hanging up and leaving her office. They had a fingerprint match.

* * *

Olivia stretched out her fingers for the tenth time as she stared at the door in front of her, the familiar number embellished on the wood. She fisted up her hand and held it up to the door like she did the past five times before dropping her hand back down. _Come on, Olivia. Knock on the door. Tell her that you found him. Tell her that she's safe and she can be the DA of Manhattan now._

But she couldn't seem to find the strength as she brought her hand up to the door once more. "Olivia." She would've recognize that low husky voice anywhere. The sergeant turned slowly, her breath catching as she looked at Alex, keys in one hand and a brown paper bag filled with groceries in the other, resting on her hip.

"Let me help you with that," Olivia muttered as she walked over to Alex and took the bag from her arm and held onto it, gesturing for Alex to open up the door. The blonde hesitated for a moment before walking over and sliding the key into the lock, twisting it until it clicked.

Olivia shoved her free hand deep into her pocket and her hand felt as if it burned as she touched the cold metal of a key that she knew would unlock their former apartment door. She quickly retracted her hand and entered the apartment, immediately walking down the familiar hallway and into the kitchen where she deposited the groceries onto the table.

Almost robotically, she began to take the groceries out of the bag and placed them in their respective location, all of which she was very familiar with. "You don't have to do that." Olivia paused as she was about to place the carton of eggs in the fridge. She cursed herself silently, wondering what she was doing, placing herself in Alex's home and touching her things without permission.

"Sorry." She retracted her hand from the fridge, allowing the door to close before shoving both of her hands in her pockets now, ignoring the tingling she felt when her fingertip brushed up against the apartment key.

"There's no need to apologize," Alex replied as she pulled a few cans out of grocery bag and slid them into the pantry. Olivia watched her as she emptied the rest of the bag, placing everything in the same location that they used to, over five years ago. Everything in the apartment seemed to be the same except the picture of her and Alex kissing that once resided on the fridge was gone.

"I wanted to let you know that we got him, Alex." The blonde froze in the midst of folding up the paper bag. "The guy who was sending you those things, Mark Cerrito, I arrested him this morning. He pled guilty to stalking, threatening, and blackmailing you. I wanted to get him for sexual harassment based on the things that he said to you but we let those go in return for his confession."

Alex let it all sink in for a moment before setting down the bag and looking over to Olivia. "Mark…he…"

"He used to work at the DA's office when you were there. He admitted to stalking you back then when you rejected him for a date as well as more recently when your career went public and you announced your intent to run for district attorney. I guess he uh, he wanted to know why you rejected him and when he saw us together he started taking pictures."

Alex shook her head as she grabbed the paper bag off of the counter and placed it underneath her sink for future use. "I wouldn't let him take me out to dinner so he stalked me and took pictures of us five, six years ago and what? Held onto them for some twisted reason? Then decided that he could blackmail me in some version of payback?"

Olivia nodded slowly, debating whether or not Alex would want to hear what else they had found. There were hundreds, if not thousands of pictures of Alex lining his basement walls. There were also quite a few of her and Alex together with an 'X' crossed through her face on every single one. She was relieved that he'd be in jail for a while.

Alex sighed heavily as she ran her hands over her face. She couldn't believe that this had all transpired just because she said 'no' to a man she didn't want to date. She couldn't believe that she had accused _Olivia_ of doing this to her.

"Olivia, I am so sorry for confronting you about this and I know saying sorry won't even begin to make up for the horrible things I said about you. I can't believe I had the nerve to assume it was you. I think I just had tunnel vision and you were the only one that I could think of when—"

Her words turned into a murmur as Olivia's lips pressed up against hers, silencing the rest of her sentence. Alex's eyes immediately closed as she reveled in the feeling of the soft lips that she had missed so much over the past few years. She sighed as she sagged against the sergeant's still strong body, one hand grasping onto her shoulder while the other clutched the corner of Olivia's sweater.

The kiss ended far too quickly for Alex's liking and her eyes stayed closed as she breathed in and out slowly, letting Olivia slip from her hold. Her lips still tingled as the seconds ticked by and she felt as if she could still taste Olivia.

"I've wanted to do that every day for the last five years," Olivia admitted quietly as Alex finally opened up her eyes. The brunette stood a mere foot away from her, her gaze fixed on the ground. Her eyes slowly moved up, as if admiring Alex's body for the last time. "But this will be the last time because I don't ever want to hold you back in life."

Alex bit her lip as she studied Olivia before closing the gap between them. She reached up, gently placing her hand on Olivia's cheek before stroking across her soft skin with a thumb. "I miss you, so damn much, Liv. And I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now but I still love you and I always will."

She watched as Olivia's eyes glistened underneath her kitchen light, the brunette clearly trying not to let her emotions get the best of her. Alex stroked her finger across Olivia's cheek once more before sliding her hand down to Olivia's shoulder and around. She pulled the sergeant close, wrapping both of her arms around her neck, allowing Olivia to nuzzle her head against her neck.

They stayed like that, with Alex's arms around Olivia's neck and Olivia's arms around Alex's waist, body pressed against body as the seconds ticked by, neither wanting to pull away. "I miss this…I miss you," Olivia whispered and Alex could've sworn she felt a tear drop down onto her neck.

Alex slid her hand up, slipping it into Olivia's hair as she pulled her close. "I miss you too, Liv." She closed her eyes and allowed Olivia's sweet scent to overwhelm her before she felt her own body to begin to shake with the fear of Olivia leaving her forever. Alex sighed heavily as she took a step back, Olivia automatically following her. "Make love to me, Liv, one more time. Please."

Without a second thought, Olivia started walking Alex backward, toward the hallway where their former bedroom was. She stopped outside of the door, grabbing onto the knob and twisting it open. An unfamiliar scent rushed over her as the door opened and she paused when she looked into the room. Everything was exactly how she had left it the day she moved out.

"I cried in our room for a week after you left. I couldn't stay in there without thinking of you so I moved into the guest room. I only allowed myself to go into our room once a week, long enough to clean it and wash our bedsheets in case…" Alex stopped abruptly. "You ever came back," She whispered so quietly that Olivia almost missed it.

With slow movements, Olivia guided Alex back into the room and toward the bed. The blonde lowered herself down onto the foot of the bed and looked up at Olivia, waiting for a sign that it was okay to proceed. She traced a single finger over the hem of Olivia's blouse before slipping her fingers underneath it, finally caressing the soft skin that she had been dreaming about every night. She could feel the sergeant's skin twitch underneath her touch, Olivia standing perfectly still.

They slowly undressed each other, taking the time to relearn the other's body. Alex noted how Olivia had filled out more, her curves more feminine than ever before and her breasts heavier but somehow that desire that always burned deep in her belly was still there as she trailed her fingers over the brunette's abdomen.

Alex, on the other hand, appeared as if she had lost even more weight, her body almost frail. Olivia wondered if Alex's work had done that to her; the stress of politics could destroy anyone, even her strong lover. She noted the way Alex's gunshot scar had healed just a little bit more, the tight patch of skin now almost the same color as the pale flesh around it.

With practiced ease from years prior, Olivia lowered Alex onto the mattress, slowly sliding up with her until Alex's head was resting against a pillow. She took her time kissing Alex, on her cheek, down her neck, across her collarbone, over her breasts, down her ribcage, against her navel, across her thighs, anywhere and everywhere her mouth could reach in an attempt to memorize Alex's body.

And then Alex did the same, carefully flipping them over so that her mouth could suckle every inch of Olivia's tanned skin. Fingers trailed down overheated skin, hands caressed soft curves, and lips lingered far too long against skin, neither in a hurry to finish for then it would mean leaving.

Almost an hour later, once both were convinced that they had touched every inch of the other, Olivia slipped her fingers down Alex's abdomen, pausing before brushing gently against Alex's sex. The blonde gasped in response, the feeling of being touched so foreign yet it brought back so many happy memories from her past.

She copied Olivia's motions, bringing her hand down between Olivia's legs as well, testing the waters with a single finger. She didn't realize that she sighed in relief when she felt the warmth wetness between Olivia's legs, unsure that she'd be able to arouse her the way she used to.

Her body hummed as Olivia slipped a single finger into her, her hips rising to meet the brunette's touch. She focused intently on the feelings that were overwhelming her before she pushed two fingers into Olivia with ease, the brunette gasping and moaning in response as her head tipped down and pressed against Alex's shoulder.

They moved in perfect sync, the kind that had been acquired over years of making love and learning the other's body. Slowly, they pushed each other to the edge, neither of them racing toward their peak but being touched by each other seemed to make it so much more intense.

"Together," Olivia husked into Alex's ear as her thumb slid upward, immediately finding her target. She gasped as Alex's thumb brushed up against her straining bundle of nerves, her body automatically jerking against the blonde. "I want you to come with me, just one last time."

They both tipped over into ecstasy, Olivia's body collapsing onto Alex's arched one, neither of them stopping their movements as they brought the other down slowly. After a few minutes of heavy breathing, Olivia shifted so that she was no longer laying directly on top of Alex, instead reclining on her back before pulling Alex to her.

The blonde immediately wrapped her arms around Olivia's body, tangling their legs together as she rested her head against Olivia's breast, listening to her steady heartbeat. They stayed like that for hours, neither wanting to leave each other for the last time.

Olivia leaned her head down and pressed a kiss to the top of blonde hair, sighing as she breathed in her scent. "I love you, Lex, and I want you to know that's why I'm letting you go." With that, Olivia shifted on the mattress in an attempt to detach herself from Alex but the blonde held on tight to her.

"If this is wrong in the eyes of the voters, I don't want to be right," Alex whispered, not daring to look up at Olivia in fear that she might be rejected. The seconds of silence turned into minutes and Alex let her tears begin to fall, hoping that Olivia wouldn't be able to feel them as they spilled over onto her chest.

"I have a son." Alex held her breath, her mind racing in an attempt to figure out why Olivia was telling her this. "His name is Noah and he's been abandoned too many times already. I love him just as much as I love you." Alex could feel Olivia's chest rise as she took a deep breath. "I want you to meet him."

Alex stayed quiet for a few minutes, letting the statement sink in. "And if I love him as much as I love you?" She questioned softly, wondering if Olivia was offering what she thought she was offering.

"Then maybe we can be a family." Olivia shifted on the mattress and Alex clung to her as if she was the only thing keeping her alive at the moment. "I'm not leaving you, I just want to grab something." Alex held on for few more seconds before letting the brunette slip off of the mattress.

She walked over to her slacks which were in a pile along with all of Alex's clothes. She quickly slipped her hand into the pocket before walking back over to the bed and crawling across the mattress. Alex sat up, grabbing onto the sheet and pulling it over her lap as Olivia kneeled before her.

With one hand, Olivia held out a small black box and with the other, she slowly opened it, causing Alex's breath to catch in her throat. "I'm not proposing now because I know you'd hate me if I did. I just want you to know that someday, this is what I want." Olivia took a deep breath before continuing.

"I want to be able to call you my wife and that's not something that we can keep hidden from the public and that is something that I won't ever hide from Noah. I don't want to hide my love for you from anyone." Alex traced a single finger over the diamond ring before placing her hand on top of the box and slowly lowering the lid.

She reached up, gently cupping Olivia's cheek before pulling her closer, their lips lightly brushing together. She kissed her softly, not wanting to deepen it but not wanting to let go either. She allowed the kiss to linger before slowly pulling away so that they were just a breath apart. "I would love to meet Noah."


End file.
